On Weight-y Issues

For the most part, and on most days I’m ok with where I am with my weight issues.  I don’t know that it’s fair to call them struggles because it’s not like I’m really trying to lose weight right now.  "Struggles" implies to me that I'm doing everything I can and nothing is happening.  I half-heartedly say I’d like to lose weight and that I need to eat better and get back to running and sign up for the dang Zumba class already.  But when it is all said and done, I still stick that cookie or chocolate bar or cake or fried-glorious-whatever in my mouth and promptly sit my ass down for another episode of Cake Boss.

And usually I’m ok with that.
 
Until this weekend.
 
I went shopping.
 
I knew it was inevitable.  I couldn’t cram my ass into those size 10s forever…  And the fact that I would willingly go a week without washing them because nothing is worse than freshly washed jeans...  Especially when they don’t really fit that well when they are stretched out and comfy.

So I bought a couple of pairs of jeans in a 12.  I had been wanting a pair of dark wash skinny jeans and I found the most comfortable pair at WalMart of all places.  They are Levi’s “Curvy Skinny” - The hips and thighs are cut curvy and the legs are skinny.  And I bought a pair of just normal jeans for whenever. 

I knew we were going out with some friends that night and I was SO excited to wear those skinny jeans.  So I put them on, put the sweater on I thought I wanted to wear with them. 

And…

It looked like crap. 

Muffin top that wouldn’t quit even with my new tank top that is supposed to help with tummy control and only made more rolls in odd places.  I really wanted to kind of dress up and it just wasn’t working.  I went through 3 different outfits at least 2 different times and in the end I ended up wearing my usual old Ohio State sweatshirt and the whenever jeans.  Blah. 

Plus my hair was being rude, but that’s another whine story.

That episode really sent me for a tailspin.  The rest of the weekend was grumpy after that. 

I managed to get out of the house to go grocery shopping alone on Sunday.  I decided I probably needed to find some larger tops also since the ones I have aren’t fitting as well either.  I hit up my favorite thrift store and scoured the aisles to find nothing.  Well, I did get another pair of whenever jeans in a 14 that unfortunately fit much better than even the 12s did.  But everything on the racks seemed to be mocking my pain and flabbiness and just being all wrong.

Lesson learned. Don’t go shopping grumpy.

I had also planned to do some Christmas shopping but by the time I was done with the spiteful thrift store and got our food from the way too crowded WalMart, there was NO WAY I was doing that. 

I just wanted to wallow in my self-pity. 

And I did.

And then I got over it.

The truth is I’m the one who has allowed myself to get back to this place.  This place where I was when I started Weight Watchers and lost 20 lbs.  This place where I eat for comfort and pleasure.  This place where I am uncomfortable in most of my clothes.  This place where I try to think of a way I could convince my boss to let us all come to work in our sweat pants and t-shirts because they don’t pinch our navel rings and belly rolls.

And all that is on me.  And the only way it is going to change… again… is if I choose to change it.

I can’t say that I’m there yet, but I’m taking baby steps. 

I started tracking my food on myfitnesspal.com again.  And I purchased a lot of veggies and fruit instead of chips and candy. I stopped buying that Pepsi at work, and I remembered the way that I could still get my afternoon chocolate fix - it’s a disease I tell you! - without eating my weight in calories. 

© The Hershey Company

Hershey’s Bliss dark chocolate squares.  It doesn’t take much to fulfill that craving and they are only 35 calories each.








Am I running?  Not yet.  Zumba? Not yet. I did look it up though and I am going to sign up for the new session that starts January 7th.

So I’m at that point that I’m no longer comfortable with where I am.  And things are changing I am changing things to get me back to that point. 

In the meantime, I am reminding myself of one of my many mantra’s that I have hanging in my cube at work…

I love who I am inside and out right here, right now.

Even if I feel like this…