Thoughts on Newtown

Disbelief.

As this story unfolds from the faraway, I never even knew it existed Newtown, Connecticut, I’m jumbled.  How do you process this unimaginable tragedy?  How do you express what you’re thinking and what you are feeling? And how to explain to your kids without freaking them out along the way?   I don’t remember the “How to Speak so Your Child will Listen when a Maniac has Destroyed the Lives of an Entire Community” unit in Family Life studies.

****

And brokenness.

Friday I caught a glimpse of the report on the homepage of my computer.  A glimpse because even seeing the headline I thought to myself

“I can’t read that.” 

Turning the channel at lunch in the kitchen because the news channel and live coverage and somber reporters were on.

“I can’t watch this.” 

And later, passing through the kitchen again now with a group of co-workers gathered watching the coverage.

“I CAN'T watch this.” 

But finally turning again to my computer and reading and watching and sobbing at my desk.
And when I could take no more, walking away from it.

Except Newtown couldn’t walk away.

And coming back again, my heart aching and broken and wanting nothing more than to go home and hug my boys and never letting them go.

Except so many at Sandy Hook couldn’t go home and hug their kids and never let them go.

*****

And shock.

How does something like this happen?

Wise angry words from Colten, my 14 year old:

“Don’t people realize that going out and killing a bunch of other people who have nothing to do with what is bothering them is just stupid?  They didn’t do anything to him.”

Emergency Family Night was declared and we all snuggled on the couch and watched TV and ate pizza and watched a movie.

Josh, my 10 year old worrier.  Still afraid of the dark “because it’s dark” and “bad things happen in the dark”.  Now he sees that bad things happen all the time. 

“Mom, you know I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight.  This is too scary.”

So we both camped out on the couch.

And morning came and we all hugged more and said extra “I love you”s.

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And confusion.

I keep asking myself how different that day would have played out if someone, anyone had means to stop this kid before he could even get past the office. 

How? A gun? A taser at least? Office doors that require codes or cards or buzzers to let you in?  Does my kids’ schools even have these things?  And why would they?  Why do you need high security clearance to get in a school?

Because there is madness out there.  Crazy minds and dark forces and things I don’t want to think about.

Or read.

Or watch.

*****

And worry.

As Monday came and I had to watch Colten walk off into school and drop Josh off at his friend’s house before school.  Were they worried even though they didn’t say anything?  How would this day be different?  What would be said at school? Would they be safe?

And so along with my usual “Have a good day.  I love you.”  I’ve added “Be safe.”

****

And hope.

For comfort. 

For those families.

For that community.

For you.

For my kids. 

For me.

And we hurt and heal and grow and change. 

And we hope for change so this doesn’t happen again.

And we remember that life continues, even when it is ended.